What a week. I’ve been in bed for days. It’s no way to live. Not in the long run, anyhow. I’ve watched an awful lot of movies and slept a lot. It’s a luxury. I know many don’t have the time to be as sick as I’ve been. But this bug just wouldn’t quit. Even now that it’s done, it hasn’t quit, exactly. It left bronchitis in its wake. It feels like I have butter in my lungs. When I breathe deeply you’d swear someone was shaking maracas. When this cold got going, I thought being sick might be kind of nice for a couple of days. Cuddling up in bed with a few movies and some soup seemed a relaxing recipe. But here I am more than a week later – my energy back, the fever gone – and I am still in recovery.
Maybe it never ends? Recovery. Is that such a bad prospect? Never-ending recovery. I suppose it all depends on context. If we’re in it together, helping one another along, I think I could get behind it. We could have a few laughs along the way. It reminds me of a quote by Ram Dass, “We’re all just walking each other home.” That image comes to mind quite regularly. There is something very true in it. And this process of healing, like life, is often a few sloppy steps forward followed by one or two back, or maybe even stopping for a rest on a bench. As long as we’re walking together, trusting the path, does it really matter where we’re going? Whether we’re guided by some distant star, or simply the hand we’re holding as we walk along, isn’t the moving forward what matters? I don’t really know. Just musing.
Does the road to recovery go somewhere? It sounds silly, I know, but is recovery a place? Was there some past state where no illness tread? What are we trying to recover? What are we trying to recover from? I really don’t know.
Recovery. Now I am sitting here wondering about the word. Recovery. To RE-cover. I don’t know about it. It feels too much like covering something up – hiding. To re-cover our wounds. I much prefer DIS-covery. Let’s break down all the walls and see what’s ticking inside. That sounds more fun. And honest, even if a bit reckless.
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This blogging is a funny thing. Here we are, talking to ourselves, many of us begging for attention. If you pull the frame back and look at the big picture, it’s what we’re doing – chattering away to ourselves, hoping we notice. So many of us live such isolated lives that we need to reach through these machines to have contact with life. I’m not judging the internet. It is neither good nor bad. It is merely a tool. But perhaps looking at it will help us make sense of it.
Some people make a living blogging. Good for them. Many offer content of real substance. But many are out there just making noise. Anybody who does a bit of blogging, however casually, has likely had their page ‘Followed’ or ‘Liked’ by various ‘professional bloggers’ looking to share their empowered lifestyle and offer opportunities to cash in on website clicks. We look at their pages and wonder about the legitimacy of their claims. But what are they actually saying? Are they simply generating buzz and traffic so their sites will make more money? This seems to be the case with many of them.
I guess I got thinking about this because I noticed a blog I “follow” asking for money. It was one of the first blogs I ever followed. I followed him because he was following me. He found my page and liked it. I thought he must have appreciated the content. Now I realize he was likely just drumming up more traffic for his own page. He has more than 100,000 ‘Followers’, and in his current campaign he has had only 8 donations (in over three weeks), totalling just over $100. What does that say? These ‘Likes’ and ‘Follows’ feel rather flimsy in this light, don’t they?
Why are we running around chasing our tails? We so easily get caught in the trap of seeking attention, forgetting first to check if we have something to say. I’m not claiming to be any better than anyone else. We’re all in this together. But I know that no amount of ‘Likes’ or ‘Follows’ will bring any lasting satisfaction or happiness. It’s an inside out job. So let’s stop accumulating and chasing things outside of ourselves. Take a minute. Take a breath. Feel your heart. See what’s already here. (I’m reminding myself…)
As for this entry, I’m not looking for attention, or happiness. I just started typing and this is what happened. I wanted to honour my commitment to write a Monday blog. Here it is, in all its raw, rambling glory. It was supposed to be about recovery. Maybe it is. I’m still working on it.
Here’s a nice little song about recovery. I highly recommend it: New Buffalo – Recovery.